It seems like things are winding down around here, in my life. Soon lazerbeams will be gone. It will be something entirely different, and i won't say worse, but not as cool that is for sure. Ian will be in Portland. Eric in corvalis. And Wispy, I don't even know where he will be. All I know is that things will not be the same as they are now. This is sadning. i know this is life and it will move foward, but a part of me want to dwell in the past, in the good and bad that is now. Because I love it. This is the good thing. Things will still be good around here, many of the crew will still be around, and we will all see eachother again. But it will be different. I wish I had made better of it than I did. But then again, my will, will not let that be true, becuse I will not change what is in place. My relationships with thoese around me will only grow from what is now, not becuse of what could have been.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I have been in a weird place lately. I am constanly searching for fullfillment. Drinking, smoaking, collecting, fantasying about the future, all my same habits. I have had many thoughts of good and bad, right and rong, human nature, my nature. All the usual stuff. I have not been writing them down which is ok. It leaves me less clear, but gives me room to jump from different beliefs before I have fully thought them out. Suddenly I find a belief system that I just believe because It is what I remember, It is what stuck with me. i like to do this from time to time, but it is very confusing. Writing keeps what I think I am clear. I like this too. I wonder if in this time of change I will opt for puting my thought in stone, or letting them be written? (This is all to a less minimal extent than I make it seem).
So I have been thinking that we should have a big ol party at Lazerbeams. I have not fully thought it out. There could be consequences. But our neighbors could also show us the respect that we have shown them this last...I don't know, year. I just saw the white haired lady with the green car in the culta-sack. You know the one. She looked away at, at nothing, then eventually looked over. I looked up and said how is it going. And I don't know what else happened in the 6 words words we just spoke. (allright, good night)? But I felt like she really felt angry to have to talk to me. So i truned away and walked. It was what I would consider rude. You know what I deserver more respect than that. I do not feel bad about kissing ass, because I see where our neighbors are coming from, but I expect a pleasent smile now and then, not a "I fuckin hate you smile". Well I am blowing things out of porportion, but I do not want to denie us a going away party, a good party at our house, like we used to have but better, because I don't want to piss that lady off.
Well that is all, I love all of you out there. Goodnight.
