Dear Portland Airport,
Hey, whatup homie? Long time no see. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I had a really great time seeing you the other day on my way to Boston. Sure, it was kind of awkward when I got flagged for the random security check which required me to stand in a blast-proof glass cube and get both my bags fully unpacked while a very unpleasant man groped and frisked me. It was all good, however, as I made my flight with no issue. The other shitty part of the deal, Mr. PDX was that after boarding the plane, it failed the pre-flight safety check. Yep, one of those shitty Northwest planes had issues with the 'de-icer,' whatever the fuck that is. Instead of letting us off the plane, they make us stay seated, for nearly two hours while the parts gets flown in from Seattle. Messed up.
Dear Minneapolis / St. Paul,
Man, I don't mean to hate, but you have some ugly ass people populating your area.
Dear Peoplemover,
You are amazing. Admittedly, this was my first time on one of your type, but it was amazing! I wish you were everywhere. You made walking feel so... productive? So much travel, so little force exerted -- magical. Didn't you just crack up when that kid, who was obviously very late, was running on you and totally ate shit when he tried to transition to the non-moving section? Har har!
Dear Boston,
Fuck off, Boston! Your whole game smells worse than the garbage in your streets. Who gives a shit that you're like what, 600 years old -- it's busted, yo. Okay, now that I have that off my chest -- I had a pretty decent time all up in you. Your hotels were comfortable, your seafood was delicious and your women were beautiful. I'm sorry that I didn't get more of a chance to explore you, but I was quite tired after an entire day of training. I hope you can understand
Dear Conference Hosts,
Great job with the food. I never once had a pang of hunger touch my delicate tummy. Not such a great job with the conference content, however. The whole vibe came off very 'sales-pitchy'. I was on the technical track, but it wasn't very technical at all. Your capabilities will be cool, but when it comes to talking to the nerds, the make-or-break part of your consumers, you kind of dropped the ball. We can smell bullshit from a mile away, so please, don't try to ram it down our throats. Also, way to be two years behind the times with all of your buzzwords.
Dear Web 2.0,
Fuck you too. I'm so sick of hearing about you, especially because you have no concrete definition. To the business, you are a neat-sounding way to make our product seem modern. For the designer, you are a simple, clean design. For the developer, well, we don't know what the fuck you are. So, please die quickly. I know you will only be replaced with an even worse buzzword, but even a change would be nice. Just don't make it Web 3.0. Plzkthx.
Dear Crowd in Airport Waiting to Board,
You guys suck. Too pushy. RELAX, people -- we're all going to get on the plane. Don't fret.
Dear Fat Fuck,
I watched you kind-of cut in front of me in line. I was angry. The best part, however, was when I learned I had a seat right next to you. Your stomach jiggled against me the entire ride. I'm not hating on you for being fat though, no no -- I'm railing on you because of your in-flight reading material: A hard-bound version of Treasure Island, complete with gilded edges. From which you read 3 pages of.
Dear Neil Gaimen,
Thank you for making an audiobook edition of Stardust. I enjoyed it immensely. I can't handle reading a book on a plane, so it was a perfect fit -- a tidy little fairytale.
Dear Dr. Stephen Hawking,
Thank you for recording 'The Theory of Everything'. I made it through the first couple chapters, but couldn't keep myself awake. I was intent, so I probably made 5 attempts in all, failing every time. I'm sorry, sir.
Dear ThriftyPark,
Most of all, fuck you. I may have an insolent tone today, but you guys seriously suck. After flying all day, I wait 20 minutes for a shuttle. When I get back to the lot, y'all had double parked me behind a valet car. Weak sauce. 30 minutes after showing up, I finally get to pull my car out of the spot. Thank you sir!
Dear Kim,
Being away from you for so many days was torture. I love you tons.
Dear Mrs. Sessions,
Ma'am, I just want to apologize for my actions. Back, in eigth grade, you were the most popular teacher -- and with good reason. You were kind, thoughtfull and relaxed. You respected us, and in turn, we respected you. Well, most of the time. When you would give us a five minute break halfway through class, I would stand on a bookshelf and pull the clock off the wall. I'd set it forward about 3.5 minutes forward. By the end of the week, you let us out roughly 15 minutes early. I would come in the following Monday and the clock would be reset. I did this frequently throughout the year but was never caught. Again, I am sorry.
Dear readers,
So, beyond that mess up above, I've been working a whole lot. I did exceptionally well regarding my year-end-review, which I am pumped about. I can't wait for the bonus. I also played pretty damn well during the last softball game, which feels good. I also got approached by someone for a potential job switcheroo. External group, but a 30-40% raise couldn't hurt. We'll see. I'm not 100% sure. Money is great, but it truly is an honor to work with my team. Anyway, I'm tired as hell. I love you all. Remember that.
