Like most people, I like to think that I'm a very good driver. I've never had a moving violation and only been in one minor fender bender (which, for the record, your honor, was not my fault). I pay attention and am courteous to other drivers. I really do treat people the way I would like to be treated. That said, I think I overestimate humanity -- a fair amount of drivers on the road are either horribly inconsiderate, mentally retarded or just plain fucking assholes. When I come across drivers like this, I like to give them a taste of their own medicine. And let me tell you, I'm a vengeful asshole.
The hand-over-hand swerve
The most commonly used tool in my arsenal, it works to give the offending driver a quick jolt of adrenaline. I usually bust this out when people are attempting to enter traffic and start moving before I'm safely past their position. Also frequently occurring when someone is waiting to cross against oncoming traffic and they prematurely start their turn. It pisses me off. It's easy enough to do, but there are some subtleties to it:
- Place your hands at 10 and 2 before performing this maneuver. It will help the effect to have your hands visible at all times
- Make eye contact. It may not always be possible, but whenever you can, make sure you give them the crazy eye.
- As soon as their wheels start moving, make dramatic movements with your hands over the steering wheel as if you were drastically turning the wheel, about to swerve into them.*
- Tilt your body, as if the car was moving. Make a 'freaked out' face.
The brake tap
Have a bad tailgater on your ass? Gently apply some pressure to your brake petal with your left foot while applying constant pressure on the gas petal with your right. You will maintain your current speed, but your brakelights will illuminate. If you do it suddenly, nine times out of ten, the person on your ass will quickly slam on their brakes, depending how close to you they are. For the most satisfaction, do it randomly, ever 20-40 seconds and watch your rear view for their reaction. Be careful, as this one has high potential for some road rage, should you fuck with the wrong person. This can also be combo'd up with "The Ultimate".
The poupon maneuver
At a stoplight, look confused and lost. Roll down your window. Motion to the driver next to you to roll theirs down, as if to ask a question. As soon as they start, rolls your window up and ignore them.
The horn
When behind someone at a red light, hold your hand over the horn like a jeopardy buzzer. The second it turns green, lay on your horn. Truly assholish.
The ultimate
This is one of my all-time favourite things to do, simply because it makes the offending driver feel so dumb. And rightfully so. It's not always possible to pull this one out, the situation has to be correct, but when you do -- magic. The first requirement is a wide-open freeway. Usually at night. The area between Corvallis and Ashland is PERFECT for this.
- Drive 70-75 in the fast lane. Wait for someone to tailgate your ass.
- The second they hit their blinker to pass you on the right, you do the same and switch lanes.
- When they switch back, they will be pissed. They will hit the gas. You, staying in your lane, do the same -- hit the gas.
- In this situation, the angry person will do just about *anything* to pass you. Do the logical thing -- match their speed and *don't* let them pass.
- Once you are satisfied with the speed (I've had people going 95 before), make eye contact, smile and hit the breaks, slowing down abruptly.
NOTE: while attempting to find pictures of IROC-Zs, I came across: http://www.claystrombeck.com/ -- whoa.
Rich
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