Sometimes you just need a good walk in the woods. When no one is around with eyes visible, or domesticated enough a brain to want you to know they are there. A little mud flinging up with every step and clothes getting wet enough to know you will be cold when you stop walking. So you keep going, you don’t let your body heat drop. Sometimes it feels like you are conquering nature. As you trudge off trail, or climb over some rocks. When your face is stinging because the skin is cold but only the skin, the muscle below is hot so the cold feels good. Then your mind ponders if you were to get lost and have to spend the night. Nature would win, you would probably live but it would be a horribly long night. Your mind ponders this and a myriad of other thoughts that don’t usually come up either because your environment is different or you just don’t have the time to listen. When you take your eyes off the ground and look up you see a picturesque scene, some old tree a hundred or a thousand years old covered in moss or reaching across to a friend, with a forest covered peak behind it and a layer of fog making it look boding. The idea of treking into it stanches your blood and thought process. Down the trail maybe you see someone along the way and you want to stop and talk, to share the aliveness you're feeling, but you realize that they are on a mission to get to where they are going, as are you, so you pass by with a hello and a friendly comment about their dog or the weather. Back in your car the heater is nice but your mind is already thinking about your cell phone. And sitting here on a computer you can’t remember a thing of what you wanted to write with that clear head in the woods.

Into the Woods

jonR

Tuesday 27 December 2011 at 5:41 pm

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Hey all, well back on endysis, i dont think i have written on her for like 5 years or so. i checked out some older posts and i must say i like your writing style ian and eric. What i read was very personal and i felt priveliged to to read it.


Kind of a lot going on for me. Id like to make this first entry about silly stuff. about the video game i was playing last night with little sock puppets. or the sex i had this morning. but it doesnt seem important right now.


I feel like life is going a bit crazy.

// READ COMPLETE POST

endysis its been so long

jonR

Tuesday 13 December 2011 at 10:09 am

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I never imagined my late-20's to be like this.

I should actually say, I never really imagined my late-20's at all.

I never put any thought into the subtle changes ones social environment could go through over 8 years and the shock to the psyche it would have. I'm freshly single, yet not ready to mingle. Not ready to do anything but get a lot of work done. I am ready to be busy. So fucking busy that I don't have time to notice how strange and terrifying of a time it is right now.

By "right now", I mean, at this point in my life. I also mean "right now" in the global sense. The end of 2011. In my brain, it still feels like 2001 was not too long ago.

Space and Time, always fucking me up.

The movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" has become a very meaningful movie to me lately. For the past month+, I have been trying to hold on to memories that have almost instantly started fading away, much like how Jim Carrey's Joel realizes mid-mind-erase-procedure that he wants to keep his memories of his relationship and spends the rest of the movie in desperation, trying to hold onto them. I now know this despair.

Right now, it feels like I never went to Australia. Or Los Angeles. Or Portland. It feels like I haven't done ANYTHING. I am typing this out on my teenage sister's bed, where I have been sleeping for the last month+. I have been working a minimum wage job. I have been bored as fuck and feeling very uninspired. As how life is in Ashland, Oregon, USA. I have been sick for 3 1/2 weeks now and there are no signs of getting better. I might be getting worse. It feels that way.

So how to get out of this physical, existential, and artistic hole?

Get productive stupid!

I need to learn how to be productive without other people involved to keep me motivated. I need to be someone who is self-reliant. Resourceful. And I need to kill all of this pride I have stored up for no reason. I need to lower my standards. I need to improve my skills. Learn new skills. I need to learn how to say how I really feel without offending people. I need to get a routine. I NEED TO STOP EXPECTING OTHERS TO FEEL AS AMBITIOUS AS I FEEL SOMETIMES. I need to stop expecting others to work as hard or as long as I am willing to work. I need to take others out of the equation. Not out of my life, but out of my process. I have so many things I want to do and/or make and/or accomplish, but almost all of them utilizes someone else in some role to make them happen. And I can't afford that.

BTW-
I could really use a winning lottery ticket also.

Life... The Best Game In Town

ian

Sunday 11 December 2011 at 04:45 am

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