I never imagined my late-20's to be like this.
I should actually say, I never really imagined my late-20's at all.
I never put any thought into the subtle changes ones social environment could go through over 8 years and the shock to the psyche it would have. I'm freshly single, yet not ready to mingle. Not ready to do anything but get a lot of work done. I am ready to be busy. So fucking busy that I don't have time to notice how strange and terrifying of a time it is right now.
By "right now", I mean, at this point in my life. I also mean "right now" in the global sense. The end of 2011. In my brain, it still feels like 2001 was not too long ago.
Space and Time, always fucking me up.
The movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" has become a very meaningful movie to me lately. For the past month+, I have been trying to hold on to memories that have almost instantly started fading away, much like how Jim Carrey's Joel realizes mid-mind-erase-procedure that he wants to keep his memories of his relationship and spends the rest of the movie in desperation, trying to hold onto them. I now know this despair.
Right now, it feels like I never went to Australia. Or Los Angeles. Or Portland. It feels like I haven't done ANYTHING. I am typing this out on my teenage sister's bed, where I have been sleeping for the last month+. I have been working a minimum wage job. I have been bored as fuck and feeling very uninspired. As how life is in Ashland, Oregon, USA. I have been sick for 3 1/2 weeks now and there are no signs of getting better. I might be getting worse. It feels that way.
So how to get out of this physical, existential, and artistic hole?
Get productive stupid!
I need to learn how to be productive without other people involved to keep me motivated. I need to be someone who is self-reliant. Resourceful. And I need to kill all of this pride I have stored up for no reason. I need to lower my standards. I need to improve my skills. Learn new skills. I need to learn how to say how I really feel without offending people. I need to get a routine. I NEED TO STOP EXPECTING OTHERS TO FEEL AS AMBITIOUS AS I FEEL SOMETIMES. I need to stop expecting others to work as hard or as long as I am willing to work. I need to take others out of the equation. Not out of my life, but out of my process. I have so many things I want to do and/or make and/or accomplish, but almost all of them utilizes someone else in some role to make them happen. And I can't afford that.
BTW-
I could really use a winning lottery ticket also.
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