i'm not dead.

i didn't fall off the face of the earth.

i am still a part of the EdO staff.

worst day ever. that's all i have to say. i hate work. worst day ever. EVAR.

first off, my two managers walked off the job today, both head and assistant. that means no leadership which leaves me in a strange spot, i've been there the longest of anyone and i know the computer system and the store policy the best so that means:

eric plays manager for a day.

well FUCK that.

watching (drunk) ian put lollipop shaped candles in his samurai bun, i realized that this has been the best holiday season that i've ever had. i'm closer to my friends, and dispite my loveloss, i am overflowing with emotion.

i feel inspired.
i feel alive.
i feel thankful.

thank you, everyone.

merry christmas.

i love you.

Pretty much everyone I know is gone for the holidays. Not me. I'm here in southern Oregon. Sure there are still a few people around I like to see, but I see myself watching South Park and going to sleep tonight. I am always excited when I have some days off from work but then I'm always disapointed with how I use the time. It seems like there are interesting things to do when I have to work instead. My dream of getting paid to do nothing is starting to ride off into the work for the rest of your life sunset. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.

i'm getting better, i have to tell myself that, i have to remind myself that i'm recovering, and that some day, the stinging in my stomach will be gone and my black heart will be mended. some day. it's just hard. it's the little things that get me. it usually happens when i'm driving. the little things come back to haunt me, things she said, looks she gave, the way she'd bite my ear a little too hard, the way we'd drive together and sing along to the radio, the way we would talk about wether our kids would have calcium deposits on their teeth like both of us do. all of it. it kills me.

Hi there

This is me, Sledg.

I'm one of those crazy guys that has wacky hair and shakes uncontrollably. I like to say things like "hot poon" and "You betta ax somebody." I get frustrated easily with members of the opposite sex and I wear Elvis glasses regularly. I've known Eric for just about ever, and I've been getting asked by him non-stop about writing stuff on his website. I guess he just thinks I'm a cool guy or somethin. Oh Well.

about me.  wow.  it all started two years ago, on the fourth floor in poling hall at oregon state university.  eric and i didn't hit it off right away.  he accused me of being a poser, i accused him of being an elitist bastard.  through it all, though, we spent countless evenings eating goldfish and talking about little kimmy.

i started my daily visit to endysis.org, and was intrigued by job's writing and photography.  i emailed him a couple times, but basically our friendship didn't soar at that point.  i even emailed curlingiron, trying to relate to her highly transitional time between high school and college.  i felt like we had a lot in common, little debbie and i.  her and i stopped emailing shortly thereafter as well.

fast forward two years, and eric and i still talk about little kimmy, but the goldfish have swum off.  job still intrigues me, and i learn and like more about him every day.  little debbie and i have not talked since that point two years ago, but i can still relate to her roommate woes and college tribulations.

i hear countless stories of the boys in the rogue valley.  i wish i had nearly as many adventures as they did.  thus, i am joining th endysis team in the hopes that the adventures will come forth, and i will in the end be a better person because of it.  my past is boring, so i will just keep my beginning introduction starting at the point where i met the endysis team.  it's kind of like i'm describing it as a religious experience and since endysis i am 'born again', but i really don't give it that much credit. 

i do enjoy the team, however, and i hope that my addition is a positive one.  feel free to give any criticism, for i consider endysis to be a learning, growing experience for me.

wow. work sucks. i hate the mall. i think i hit bottom a couple of days ago. but things are starting to get better. my horoscope told me that a newfound love interest was in the cards. i've given up any sort of hope, it's refreshing.

i ran into a girl who i was always intrigued by in highschool, but never talked to, i was standing behind her in a line at the food court. i said hi and she came and visited me later at work. i almost felt a little bit excited (i think) when she walked into the store.

hrmm.

site news: nothing. i think curlingiron is dead, job is too happy, jessi writes in backwards rhetoric and eric writes about the most trivial of things. curlingiron should be resurected, job should post more, jessi should write a lengthy intoduction (the hardcore fans might not know who you are) and eric should take a 12 step course to learn how to shut the fuck up.

okay, with that out of the way:

eammon.endysis.org - a great guy who does some pretty tech 3D design, etc. uber rad aussie who just happens to like tool. good stuff.

od.endysis.org - not much right now, but my good friend davey is looking to set something up soon. he's all artsy and texan and shit.

also, my friend beanie (ian {een}) and i have talked, and i really think that he would add a 'wholesome' family element to the endysis.org staff, so look for him in the future, i might grant him a trial account here at EdO.

love to all ;D

[e]

sometimes i feel like the world is moving all around me, but i am staying in one place; like my back is to the wind and i can see leaves and garbage bins rolling around, but i remain standing.  it would be so easy for me to move with the impending storm.  i want to so badly.  instead, i do my own thing.  i drink my green tea, shower, commute, work, go to school, go home, go to sleep. it's a pattern of which i am tiring.

however, i made some calls to some apartments today.  hopefully i'll get out of the house that is constantly a party for drunken, horny 15-17 year olds that wrestle and squeal and smoke lots of pot.  it may be fun in a time in place, but not in the time and place right now.  i miss being able to fully call a residence mine.  i feel transitional living with my dad and brother, and i think i'm done with it.  i want to be able to listen to jeff buckley without the kiddies turning up nelly or jay-z or eminem.  i want to be able to depend on cheez-its being in the cupboard instead of disappearing due to some overwhelming munchy fiasco. 

basically, i want some change in my life.  i'm sick of the way things are, and i know they can be much better.  here's to the future.

wow. how strange to be back. i work and i sleep a lot, i play guitar a lot, i don't each much anymore. i've lost 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks, i havn't weighed this much (152) since my sophomore or junior year in highschool. wow.

but yeah, i've been working in the mall a lot, which sucks ass. i hate it, but it keeps me busy. i'm haunted by her, her words, her actions. i think i'm getting better, but everyonce and awhile these visions creep into my head. i wish she would have done something so unforgivable, so horrid that i ceased to love her, because now, under the current circumstances, i have all this love, but nowhere to put it.

but, so far, the best moment in these last few weeks: ian (beanie) and i, driving through residential ashland, both a little buzzed, listening to zappa (specifically 'peaches en regalia') laughing our asses off. i don't really recall what was so funny, but the music and the bumpiness of my pickup (bean commented that it felt like 'mr. toad's wild ride') was just making us laugh, hysterically. every bump, it grew.

it sounds lame, but every little bit counts.

i love you all.

I'm getting booted out of my house, so I think we are going to get a place together.

But yes, about her.

"She" is an abomination, but not in the negative sense of the word whatsoever. There is an alternate definition often overlooked except by the most learned minds in the ancient mythologies of wordsmithery. In the days of yore, there were many creatures that transcended the natural simplicity of human comprehension. The term “abominable” was believed to be adopted as a defense mechanism used by said simple minds in an inept attempt at describing the indescribable. Since they could not come to understand how or why such creatures could come into being, they were transformed from the wondrous into "that which should not be". (Take for example, the "Abominable" Snowman, a.k.a. Yeti: A seemingly supernatural enigma in the shape of a hairy, biped creature that resembles a giant ape, dwelling in seclusion in the Himalaya Mountains. In Tibetan the word, "Yeti" means quite literally "magical creature" and is widely known as a kind and simple hearted vegetarian.) Jessi of course deserves not the latter, but rather the former definition of that word, and unequivocally for that matter. To be put quite simply albeit quite more- so lamely, she is a Yeti. That is, not whatsoever, to say that she is hairy or apelike in any fashion. Am I making any sense? Maybe I should just stop.

i started work today. i hate the mall, but this time around, it's different. the clarity that comes from losing it all is quite refreshing. i honestly don't care anymore. it's a shitty job, but i play the music i want and ask people the same question all day:

"do you need help?"

i love you all, thank you for your words of kindness in these sour times.

i'm here in the basement of the student union of SOU, in the small radio station with beanie and jerry. we're playing silly songs and talking shit. it's fun.

what are we playing right now? slayer and atari teenage riot.

what were we playing ealier? refused and tom jones.

we know that noone is listening, but that gives us the freedom.

"all this pain is an illusion"

Well, a lot has happened for me in the short time that the site has been down. In the best interest of what few readers we may still have, I have decided to compile a simple list. If anyone wants to know more specific details of anything I have listed, ask and you shall receive. 

existentialism:  egz-i-sten-shel-i-zm - A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

when i said goodbye.

what a strange scene. she opened the door and grabbed me. she's never hugged me so hard and intensly before. standing in her front door, the wind was blowing hard, i looked into her eyes, and what i saw, what was inside her at that moment:

not the person i fell in love with.

something had changed. not just 'us' but something inside her. the light she used to give off just wasn't there anymore.

all of a sudden, i don't feel so bad.

i'll grow, i'll move on, but she'll always have a piece of my heart.

ever notice if you put F and i right next to each other (Fi) it kind of looks like an A?

Finals = Anals.

i hate them. one more tonight at 6 and i'm done. i just want it to be over.

it's good to be back.

hi.

we're back. it's official. things have been pretty crazy for me the last few days, and i got that old feeling in the base of my spine that told me 'move to a new host, bring endysis back to life.' most of the links don't work yet, but i'll get crackin' on that. i've built this site up from the ground in just under 48 hours. yay me.