i got a lecture last night. chris asked how i was and i told him i was tired. he asked if i needed to go to sleep. i told him no, i don't mean like 'i need sleep tired,' it's more of a 'i've been going for so long that i'm just tired.' me myself is tired. my body, my brain, my emotions.... exhausted. he proceeded to explain to me that i have to knock that off, i can't start that now, because this is just the beginning, next semester is going to be even harder and if i start thinking like that now i won't make it. and then it went into 'you're not the first student at pacific to have a hectic life. a lot of us have been in the same place you are now, and we made it, blah blah blah.' essentially, he was saying 'you're not special, get over it.' granted he was ridiculously stoned and drunk, so i just smiled and nodded. but it hurt a little. no, i don't think i'm special. i know there are people out there who have much fuller plates than me right now. i wasn't looking for his pity. but he asked, and that was my answer. i am tired. i'm worn out. i feel like i've aged quite a bit in the last year. at this point i feel like i'm stuck in survival mode. but i guess i shouldn't expect him to be able to understand that.
i'm thinking that it's probably better to just smile and nod at people and keep it at that from now on. no point in being honest about these things.
always.....
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