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WARNING: Gross shit ahead!
The Aristocrats Joke..................................
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
"This is in honor of the children of Columbine."
And with that the mans naked family enter the room. The daughter is about 10, the son 14, and the mom is extremely pregnant. The dad walks out the door. The mom, daughter, and son kneel on the ground with their asses in the air, while dad waits just outside the door. As a final touch they drape knitted wool bulls-eyes across their backs.
He comes walking in wearing only a toolbelt with assorted things in it. He places his hand on his hairy piggly wiggly dick and starts to piss on his families asses while simultaneously squeezing his dick rapidly so that it intermittantly spurting hot foamy piss. He makes machine gun noises with his mouth while his family "begs for their lives."
Once he is finished, he says:
"Well kids, since we're already in the cafeteria, who wants a shitty bologne sandwich?"
Both kids excitingly sit-up with their arms waving in the air:
"I do, I do!!!" Thay scream.
dad puts his hands on his hips and says:
"Okay honey, roll over!"
She does so, here huge belly sticking straight up in the air. The dad addresses their audience:
"Time for some CPR!"
He kneels next to his wife and places his hands palm down on moms tummy and thrusts with all of his might. The mom screams in pain while the kids clap their hands, lick their lips, and yell gibberish. THE BABY SHOOTS STRAIGHT OUT OF HER BIRTH CANAL like some soap slipping out of an inmate's hand.
Son catches the baby and Daughter cuts the ambilical cord. The son hands the baby to Dad who waves it toward their audience and says:
"Hey look! It's baby NEO!" He hands the baby off to mom. the baby immediately starts to nurse as mom starts chugging Old Crow. The son pulls on the cord untill the placenta falls out and cuts the cord. He wraps it around his dick like a tourniquet. Meanwhile Dad is stuffing the placenta up mom asshole, and Daughter has a bucket with a sign on it that says "BUS DEPOT BATHROOM". Inside the bucket are all the old discarded used tampons that greyhounders had thrown away on their way through town. The Daughter is stuffing those, one by one, up her ass, saying:
"Look! I'm just like mommy!"
The Son's dick is nice and plump now and his dickveins look like they are about to burst. dad finishes stuffing his Wifes ass with placenta, pulls a bottle of mustard out of his toolbelt, sets it on the ground with the tip in his wifes ass, and steps on it, squeezing all of the dijon mustard slowly ino his wifes bleeding and stretched out butthole. The mustard gets completely empty at the same time as the daughter gets done shoving bloody tampons up her butthole. She crawls over and puts her face right next to her moms browneye, which is bloody and has the yeasty discharge from the vagina oozing down into it.
Dad takes one of those three sided rulers out of his toolbelt and proceed to start whacking his son 's plump veiny uncircumcised cock. On cue with the first wack, mom farts and out come bits of placenta covered with mustard, straight into daughter's mouth. After about a minute of this, the sons dick finally succumbs to the ruler and his dickveins explode and ejaculate blood all over daughter's ass. dad takes the Ambilical cord of his sons dick and says:
"Red just like Cherry Pie!"
That is when he starts eating the blood out his daughters ass crack, while choking her with the cord. She farts while he does this. The son starts singing "Cherry Pie" by Warrant and doing an erotic interpretive dance ass blood flows out of his foreskin and onto the floor.
The daughter says:
"I'm full now daddy, thanks for dinner!"
She stands up, walks over to her mother and pukes straight into her mouth. Dad is choking the son now. Mom after chugging Old Crow and getting puke in her mouth, pukes all over her baby drunkinly says:
"I dont want this anymore.."
She slides the baby across the linolium and it starts crying. She stands up, walks across the "stage" and steps in her sons dick blood that is on the floor. She slips in it, falls directly on her belly and shoots a fetus. It shoots out so fast that it is unclear wether it came from her yeasty cunt or her bloody butthole. It flies a few feet and bounces a few times on the floor. It comes to a halt right next to the crying baby who stops crying for a second lifts its head up for a second and says:
"Don't hurt him, he is my best friend." The baby then starts crying again.
Son is passed out now from all of the choking. The Dad picks up the fetus and hands it to his daughter. he hands her a potato masher and says:
"How about some Stem Cell Research!"
She sets the fetus on the ground and starts mashing it with the masher. When she is done with it it kind of looks like squished yams.
Dad cuts the balls off of his passed out son, makes incisions next to his nipples and shoves a testi in each nipple. "Look! you have breast implants!" he exclaims as he smacks his son in the face. This wakes the son up. he looks at his new "Boobies" and pumps his fist:
"YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!"
Now mom is passed out. Dad takes a cup and saucer out of his toolbelt and hand it to the son:
"Here make this a tea party." he says.
the son grabs the fatus matter, puts it into the cup and then hold the cup under his bruised bleeding dick. He waits untill it is filled up with blood and fetus, and hands it to Dad. Dad shakes mom awake and says:
"Here hon! I made you some tea!"
Mom says "Oh thanks hon!" she gets to her feet and takes a sip from the cup. The son says:
"Wait! Don't drink that! I have AIDS!"
Mom spits out the "tea" all over the baby, while the daughter shits in her own hand and gives everyone hitler mustaches. The whole family group hugs and laughs at the Son's dick and fake boobs while the baby cries. He points to his sister and then to his "boobs" and says:
"It looks like she needs these more than I do!"
They turn towards the agent and say:
"TA-da!"
"Holy Fuckin shit, Motherfucker." says the agent. "I need a second to absorb all of what just happened." During the deration, the son tries to shove his fruit-roll-up-thats-been-out-in-the-sun -too-long-like dick into the baby's butthole but it wont fit, and it wont stop crying. He gives up. A few seconds go by and the agent asks:
"Where is the dog you guys came in here with?"
Mom hushes the baby by breastfeeding it more.
Dad says:
"He's watching for the Cops!"
"Well I'll be damned...."says the agent ponderously.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Ps. Sorry Eric.
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