I am convinced that YES is the funniest rock band of all time, especially their stuff from the 80's. ...........................................................
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Methtown (based on a true story)
by Roberto Lincoln
(in no way is this a screenplay or description of something that is to be played out on a screen. This really happened)
I am sitting outside of my work waiting for my manager to show up to let us in so we can sell our popcorn to the fat idiots that are lining up to see WHITE NOISE.
"This is going to be Micheal Keatons comeback, I'm tellin ya," a portly fellow with long blonde hair and a goatee says to me, "he is one of the most talented actors of our time."
I notice four mustard stains on his HALO 2 t-shirt that he obviously got for pre-ordering the game. I put my head phones back over my ears so that he will stop talking to me. Ahhhh, Barrel Vault. I fine song by a fine bunch of lads. I never got to see Dead Low Tide live but I wish I had. I remember how Jeryl saw them open for the Melvins and it makes me mad. But then I remember how I met Spencer Moody and I feel better.
Siegfried, my manager, was always late sunday mornings. But I didn't really care, he was a cool enough dude. Even if he did like Steven Spielberg and F. Gary Gray movies. He is a good guy to talk about filmmaking with and for that I am appreciative. I just let the sounds of Dead Low Tide keep me occupied. I wonder with slight frustration when the Smoke and Smoke album is going to come out. I start thinking about the presentation I have to give in my freshmen inquiry class about myself. A kind of introduction to me. I decided that I should definately tell them I really like Van Halen and that I'm 28. I should mention that NO, I WILL NOT BUY YOU BEER. That is a really stupid joke, but the 18 year olds will think it is funny. WHERE THE FUCK IS SIEGFRIED????.
I walk down to the security office so that they will let me into the theatre so i can be ready when Siggy finally rolls in. My favorite security guard guy is there, the one with the sweet-ass Iron Maiden haircut. He lets me in and I start popping the corn.
After I have everything set up, I realize that he isn't coming. He is the only one witht the keys to the projection booths and who has permission to do projection. But at this point people are pounding on the windows and yelling at me. I decide to break into the projection boots and run the show myself. The show must go on.
I kick in one door after another and thread up the movies how i think would be correct. I unlock the front doors and let everyone in, makng them promise that they will pay for the movie after it is over, hoping siggy will be here by then. Everyone goes in WHITE NOISE and I start the projector (in slow motion). It is really dramatic. Everything is hunky dory for about 15 seconds when all of a sudden the projector starts backfiring and sparks start flying off of it. I quickly try to remedy the situation as "Dont Kill the Whale" by Yes fills up the background noise. 100's and 100's of feet of film pile up over my feet as i stick my hands in the running projector. The show must go on.
Finally Siggy shows up.
'What the fuck is wrong with you?" he ask/yells.
"Nothing." I say.
"Yes there is!" He says.
"Na-ah!" I say
"All the Meth Zombies are outside wreaking havoc and you are starting movies?!?"
"What?!" I say in bewilderment. Has it finally happened? The resaidents of Methtown have finally sought vengence?"
"They are finally seeking vengance!" He informs me.
Just then we hear the glass doors break open. We look at each other and mouth t he word "Fuck", in slow motion.
"I FEEL LIKE TOM CRUISE IN MINORITY REPORT!" He yells. Just then all the Meth zombies come stumbling through the door. I start wacking off immediatel as it looks to be my last chance to do so. We are very slowly eatin alive because the methheads have very small appetites. Midway through being devoured a customer walks up to the projection booth and asks "Can someone check the focus on WHITE NOISE?"
"Ill get right on it." Siggy says, manager to the end.
The last thing I remember, besides the bum coming in and asking about star wars, is one of the Meth zombies sucking my dick and me explaining to them i dont have any meth to give them. They then ate my penis instead of sucking on it.
THE END.
13&God on June 2nd (WITHOUT DAX). Have you heard that album yet!!!!???!?!?!?!!?
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