Well, unrelated to that, i have been looking at a new way to live lately. i cannot fully sum it up now, so i will piece it together. I was thinking that good and bad are really subjective. I took a trip with my mom to the, and for most of the time we were both sad, and negetive. But by the end i was really sad to be leaving her and Katie, her german-shepard. It was a really good sad. I think i was happy to be missing her so much that it hurt to leave. (this is something i have noticed a lot lately about me. Sad goodbyes, and my gladness for them.)
Then there is women, (connection not yet clear). Fuck this is a tough one for me, you know to get some of them. Anyway, there are a few girls i like at school. For somereason i feel the need to be in love, to really try for any of them. Maybe this is so i don't have to put forth the effort. Also i have been questioning if i think i like the girls that i won't go for? The other day i started talking to this girl i liked last year. In the middle someone else came up and talked to me. I kind of blew her off though, then the first girl totally blem me off when she left. Maybe i should have talked to the girl who was actually showing interest in me and not the one that i was so curious about.
In thinking about all of this shit. i am stumbling on this bigger question of good and bad. I am thinking that all of these things i do that, may amke me feel bad, are ok. I cannot say where my life would be if i didn't make these mistakes. So maybe it is good that i made them. I have been thinking that maybe instead of telling myself that i am a pussy and should just conquor this fear to make a move on wemen, i should be happy with where i stand now. Maybe this so called bad thing about me, could create a Jon in the future that i would rather be.
Maybe i am overthinking this whole thing so that i don't have to conquor my fear. Or maybe i just have not yet figured out how i want to conquor it.
I'll tell you one thing for certain, i should seperated my body from my mind and reach out to imbrace the random, and whatever heaven my come...You know tool, lateralus.
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