i'm tired of waiting for the hollywood ending. i'm tired of coming to the end of a scene only to realize that there's no feel-good finish. i want my turn to find someone who makes me happy. i don't want to be the third, or fifth, or ninth, or seventeenth wheel anymore. for once i don't want to fall asleep alone.

this is nothing like it was with matt or isaiah. i don't think there is "hearbreak" involved. but that doesn't make it hurt any less. and i hate that i can see it, so close that i could almost reach out and get it, only to realize that in the end i'm always two steps behind.

we talked tonight. it was everything i already knew and everything he already knew, things we had sort of voiced to each other but never discussed. there were no surprises. the only thing i heard from him that has never been said before is that he thinks that even if he had gone to school far away from here, even if he couldn't go home to see her every weekend, they would still be together.

that answers it. that right there tells me that there was never a chance. i wanted to cry. i still want to cry. but i can't for some reason. when in my entire life have i not been able to cry? it's what i do; i get emotional and i cry. no. not now. it won't happen. so instead i just sit and hope that i'll get over this soon.

don't worry, everyone, debbie will continue with her stream of pathetic, distressed, pitiful posts. you can always count on me.

dk