Been in Vietnam for more than 3 months now. Homesickness has hit. Homesickness and me just going a bit too crazy. Depression is starting to kick in because I'm not taking enough time to write and read and analyze my thoughts and feelings. 

       A few weeks ago I went to Cambodiato do a visa run because my Vietnamese one had expired. I did some mix of drugs there, with a Cambodian dealer named jonny, that fucked my head up real good. It was quite a nervous breakdown and I wondered if I would come back. You know those "not even once" commercials. They weren't lyin'. It took about a week to come back. No sleep the first night. Robbed by the dealer for 200$. Hallucinations when I closed my eyes, paranoia, quite a lot of embarrassment. And...oh the depression. Go up high--come down hard. 

       Once I returned to Vietnam I felt so much better. There was a sense of home, but a confusion of why, is this really my home? So good to be back with friends and even though I haven't know them for long, ones I really do feel close to. Been drinking a bit too much so I'll cut it back. I know same old story there. I am happy here but I wonder how long it will last. Not being around what you are used to and around your loved ones. I think I've hit the period where I just need to push through for a bit longer and then I will be settled and not such a new comer. I start Vietnamese classes in two days. 5 days a week, 2 hours a day, I should learn a lot. This language is hard. Tonal, and I’m not that great with tones! 

       I am falling in love. I question it and know I should slow down with my feelings. It’s a difficult situation here inVietnam. Lots of prostitutes or women interested in me because I'm white and that means money to them. Then there are the good girls, virgins who don't have sex till they are married, they come from a higher class of family, and are expected to have better life. But there are more rules for them to follow. I have dated both at the same time. Opposite sides of the spectrum. The prostitute was gorgeous, and such a nice girl, someone who deserves a great life. But I don’t think I could trust her, or give her the life. She was born into a different world, money is too important, and honesty and true love not important enough. 

       And the good girl. I want to quickly note that this is the girl I came back to Saigon to see. When I'm with her I have been feeling these shots of emotion shoot through me; they start in my stomach and go up to my heart. When she hugs me my heart wells up. These emotions are love and I wonder how they are forming so quickly. They warm me up and make me think crazy thoughts about the future. Thoughts about moving here forever, because truthfully she would probably come to the US and not be happy. Family is too strong here, they cannot fathom how we leave our families at such young ages, and how our parents don’t live with us or next-door. I think of how my family could fit in Vietnam. I think of taking her with me to farm in South America. I think of trying to get my degree so I could teach in a University here in Vietnam, or in the US. I think of how you would all like her. I think of how best to raise my children, where will they be smarter and where will they be happier. Can they go back and forth between the two societies and fit into either? I think that I know what she will look like in 20 years. I think "am I just letting my brain run away from me"? what is realistic and what is real? I can fall in love with her but if like many of us westerners do, I realize down the road that she isn't the one, I will probably have tainted her. It's her neck on the line, her future that relies on the rules she must follow. I don’t have much to loose by pursuing her. Just a broken heart but I've had that before, she has not. I know I must listen to both my brain and heart. But fuck I dislike listening to the brain. I think the heart is truer. 

       I know that finally in my life I want a family of my own. Wife and kids. Me. An. Adult. I have known that I wanted this since before I left for this trip. Can it work like that, I realize that I want it then go out and find just what I’m looking for? It can but it's unlikely. I don't know if I have worked hard enough, do I deserve it? I'm a poor 29 year old, who drinks too much and just may be afraid of commitment, but clouds that by believing there is some perfect future out there. It also could be that I want that perfect future bad enough to fool myself into believing I have found it. Lots of people do that in life, some of them are even happy. I will tell you all that I still think of Leslie almost everyday. But I don’t want her. How can that make sense? After 4 years I'm still in love with her, but I don't accept her for who she is. Maybe it's as simple as just deciding to accept her. But right now I don't.

       I plan to spend another 6 months here and see what I'm feeling then. Hopefully time will provide clarity about what I think of this country and this girl. Right now will be a tough time though. To many possible futures right now and I don’t have a clue which one is correct. And home, I am certainly not ready to come back, but damn I miss it. I was showing people pictures of Oregon today, and how beautiful it is. I always talk about it with such pride, and you my friends and family as well.

       Already after writing this I am starting to feel more clear. And as always I'm sure that after it's published I'll see it in a different light. I know I should take life slowly for a while, but can we right now? It seems things progress so quickly these days. I think of when I used to take years to change a mindset or make a change in my life, lately it feels like months. I guess the big ones happen slowly and the small ones quickly. Maybe im just on a cusp right now, but I look at others around me and I think they are moving very quickly too.