I need to start being honest with myself. Like, brutally honest.
More on that later.
I have been back in Ashland for 9 months now. This is a depressing figure. There has been a little bit of progress. I have made the transition from deeply depressed to bi-polar. I consider this an improvement as there are times where I feel like a million dollars, but I still have a long ways to go. I still have extremely hard days, and am still over-analyzing things(although I am slowly phasing that out, which feels good).
It feels like for every person I surround myself with who makes me feel good and normal, there are 10 others who are there to try to drag me back down into the shit.
Drugs have mostly been a good help, minus a few times. The transition back into the dating wild has been awkward as well. I have been running and exercising quite a bit. That feels good. My job makes me suicidal though. It is pretty rare for me to clock out with out having played-through blowing my brains out at home at least once in the previous hour. I need to get out of there.
I have been pretty lonely the whole time I have been here, which has lead to some erratic behavior on my part in order to get some human interaction. I have partaken in some drug-use that I never saw myself getting into, hung out with people who I have absolutely nothing in common with, and have most likely been trying to fuck everything in town while blackout drunk, poorly.
The answer to all of this seems pretty simple.
1. Buy a car
2. Move out of town
3. Get a job
The problem being, saving money on minimum wage at this stage is fucking hard. My student loan payment takes half of my monthly take right off the bat. I have some saved, but at this rate, in order to move in a comfortable and non-stressful manner, I would be stuck here for years.
I should have never moved out of Los Angeles.
Job finding is really become a sore spot for me. I haven't gotten hired for a real job in over 3 years. It's really hard to sell yourself when you aren't feeling all that great about yourself. It gets intimidating to see everyone else doing awesome shit on facebook and such, and know that I haven't done shit for YEARS. The frustrating part is that I know if someone would just hire me, they wouldn't regret it. I have always had a good job performance and good work attitude. Its just a matter of being confident and motivated enough to continue trying to find work and get rejected after 3 years of it. It all makes you feel like a real fuck-up.
I am really enjoying It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia lately.
To get back to the first statement -
I need to start being brutally honest with myself.
I need to honestly decide to myself about whether or not the direction I am trying to go in my life is realistic. I feel like I am ambitious as far as things I would like to do, but too emotionally unstable to do it. I don't have a personality that draws people to me, or makes them believe in me. I am really bad at communicating with other humans and often feel frustrated. I'm worried I am going to have to go back to school. But for what? Maybe I was just meant to work a shitty job for the rest of my life.
The bottom line is that all of this ends up being about money and how I will get my hands on it. Once I figure that out, a lot of my other problems will slowly sort themselves out. Money was the main source of 90% of the problems that came up in my last relationship and why I had to leave Australia.
I am looking forward to having my own living space again someday.
THEN AGAIN, ALL OF THIS COULD ALL JUST BE BOREDOM AND EXTREME HORNINESS
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