I am still several months out from getting the fuck out of this hellhole, but its getting easier. But at a cost to productivity. I won't go into the details of that. No one tends to believe me anyways....
I am lacking inspiration, and am using all of the energy I have to block out the shit on a daily basis. I have been partaking in white drugs occasionally and they have actually helped a bit. I am fighting my constant temptation to move somewhere new and start all the way over again. I can't do that anymore. I need to go somewhere where I already have a bit of a support system.
First on the list is Portland, and this is where I should and will be going. All of my strengths are there now. Second is Los Angeles, where there are people that believe in me and money to be made, but at the cost of daily grind sanity. And third is Chicago, which would be a new place for me but a place where I would have people to be creative with all of the time and new experiences to be had. I am fighting this one as it is obviously the most impractical. Then after that is all escapist romanticized thoughts of experiencing and living many different lives in places like Big Sur, Iceland, Prague, various places in Asia and South America, and islands here and there.
But Portland is what it will be. My settling point.
I'm curious what kind of Portland I will be returning to. Since I left in 2010, Portland has become an over-saturated media caricature and I worry that the stuff I like about it will now be tainted by new people trying to reinforce that caricature, the reason they moved there.
I am trying to get some music projects off of the ground in order to stay productive and keep my minds off sadness and regrets. Im staying away from Alcohol as much as I can stand it. I dont like it as much as I used to. I'm starting to exercise daily and it will become working-out daily very shortly.
I have had some nights hanging out with girls, and had some offers to go home with them, but I am happy to report that I politely declined. I have the post-relationship hornies like no one's business, but I am also not ready/motivated enough to start penetrating strangers yet. I am not going to let myself get into any sort of real relationship with a girl for a long time either. I need to fix/work on myself/my life before subjecting another female to the neurotic tendencies of ME. Plus I want to grow my hair long for awhile.
I really want to have a night of meeting all of my friends at Shanghai Tunnel and having an old-fashioned sort of night. I really miss having a group of friends. I have been hanging out by myself for almost the last two years (not counting girlfriend time) and I am starting notice how it is effecting me socially. The sad part is that I think we are at the age where we don't get to do the group hangouts anymore. Girls and Jobs ruin everything.
Im trying to get myself back in the mode of not giving a shit and just being myself all of the time, but in the process, fazing out particular aspects of my personality that I know bums people out. I can be a bit hard on people sometimes. I need to stop being so hard on myself too.
Thanks to Eric who has continued to be there for me, even when I have been acting like a crazy weirdo. It means everything to feel like you have someone on your side.
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