Goodbye girl. I will be forever sorry for the pain I am causing.
Goodbye Australia. You can go fuck yourself.
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As is keeping with my pattern, I am leaving a place once I finally have a social network in place(a real one, not an internet one, I have plenty of those already). This time its only mostly my fault.
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I am really scared. If it is not obvious from my random posts from this year, it has been an emotionally dark year for me. I worry that the fact that I am going back to live with my parents, in my hometown, with absolutely no money or job is a recipe for disaster. Its like Im 18 again, except all of my friends are somewhere else, I'm bald, almost 30 and and I don't have a job. At least Beardo will be there too. Maybe I can rescue him from the clutches of "the valley" and both of us can get out of there as soon as fucking possible. If I end up working at a movie theater or pizza place you can consider me dead.
I know this is me just being extremely dramatic, but I honestly feel like I am fucked.
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Maybe it was always my destiny to just have a shitty job, a drinking problem, and spend my off time playing video games. I can fulfill the "creepy weird guy" role at any bar or record shop, talking about nerdy shit no one cares about or even understands. In 15 years I can drunkenly try to explain to some 21 year olds at O'ryans who Spencer Moody was and why he was awesome, while they half-politely "uh huh" and "oh cool" me to completion. I can get so good at the lonely drunken walk from Downtown Ashland to the Ashlanders art 3am that I end up doing it WHILE passed out regularly (complete with the standard stop at 7-11 to have a passive aggressive transaction with John, the alcoholic 7-11 clerk who's legacy in town I would be working to replace).
Bitter
Angry
Sad
Regretful
Regretful
Regretful
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I really like the song "On The Beach" by Neil Young. I could hotlink it for you, but I think you should look it up yourself.
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I would say that I have two main character flaws that really are counter-productive for me.
1. I take shit for granted. Everything. People and things. Quickly and often.
2. I either lie too much or not enough. I can't figure out which.
and honorable mention goes to PROCRASTINATION.
I am going to spend this upcoming chunk of my life, the one where I get my life back together and which I hope to also refer to as "transitional" in the future, bettering myself. I want to be more of a "routine" person. And I need to kill procrastination with a serrated sodomy knife. Less internet. I have gotten boring. I want to start practicing Transcendental Meditation. I need to start working out. I need to eat better. I need to drink more (for sanity and friends). I need to stretch. I need to start trying to find ways to have multiple (legal) sources of income. I need to get quite a bit of dental work done that I have been putting off for way too long. I need to surround myself with people who are real but also who boost my confidence. My self-esteem needs to pick up in a major way if I am going to get out of the hole I am in.
And I am no longer going to allow myself to get into a serious relationship with a woman (I still prefer to call them girls though), at least until I am in a more stable position.
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The last few years have been really rough for me. And I have a feeling its going to be at least a year recovery time. A lot of me got damaged in 2009, 2010, 2011. Mostly damaged by me one way or another. I need to get smarter. I need to get back into the mode of being able to not sweat the small stuff. It might sound crazy, but I think my most sane years were my early 20's.
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Logistics are a bitch and Space and Time are ruining my life
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