This is a friendship with someone who has been so much more to me than just a boyfriend. This is someone who has been my best friend, my confidante, my logical thinker, my advice giver, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my hug when I need it. And these were not things he bacem over time, over the course of our short romantic existence. He was all these things to me long before I ever realized he was also the man I love with all of my heart. He was the complete everything, the whole summation of someone who complimented and completed me.
I don't doubt for one second that he loved me, or that he still odes now. But it's in his own selfish, naive way. He is so unaware of the amount of power his actions and words have. His complete and total carelessness with people's hearts and emotions would be very near evil were it not for the fact that he is so unaware of it.
I'm sure someday he'll see it. And when he does, I know he'll stop. He does care, so so much, about those around him. He just doesn't have the ability to see the periperal yet. His vision has not yet developed to that point.
. . . and those who would tell me not to let it get to me, they don't understand that I need to feel this hurt right now. I need to cry like this, to allow the aches in my heart. Because at this point that is the only way to get it out.I cannot simply swallow it down and brush it aside, into the corners and under the rugs. At some point they will be overflowing and overwhelming and unmanagable, and I doubt I will be able to battle my way out from there.
Do I think this is something beyond repair, something which will leave me forever wrecked? No. I think I will feel this sting for awhile, will feel the pain for quite some time. I thihnk this will affect the next relationship I embark on, and maybe even the one after that. I think my walls will be higher, so much higher than before; I think I will be afraid, genuinely afraid, to allow myself to love, and even more than that, allow myself to be loved. But I also think that when I have worked through this in the time needed, an amount of time which no one, not even myself, can determine right now, I will be stronger, I will be softer, I will be more willing to give love, I will be more able to guard my heart, I will be more excited for love, I will be more calm with that love. I recognize that this is part of a process.
But I also realize that this particular relationship, this particular love, is much more than just your average breakup. This is something of such large proportions that it will take me my own amount of recovery before I can nod my head, breathe deep, and say with my whole heart that I am ok.
always.....
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