i had a scary couple of days in london. it was sort of like an anxiety attack, only much more internal and none of the hyperventilating i usually end up doing. and it was kind of like an emotional breakdown, only there was more thinking than just plain meltdown involved.

it started the monday before we left. for some reason every single insecurity i've ever felt about myself started kicking in hardcore, and i didn't know what to do. anywhere i went with the group that day i mostly just kept my mouth shut and walked a few steps behind. i didn't want to talk because i didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth. finally i just called it quits and went back to the hotel.

i spent almost any freetime i had for the next two days either in the hotel room or alone in a pub. i've never felt so incredibly alone and isolated as i did those two days. i had no tv to distract me, i couldn't just go find my friends to hang out, i couldn't dick around on the computer, and i couldn't call my mom. not being able to talk to my family killed me.

at one point it just felt like i was stuck. i was sitting on my bed. just sitting. i did a great job of filling up my journal with pages and pages of words, fears, thoughts, emotions.... i cried a lot. i don't know why. i would just be crying because that's all i could do. i tried to put it into words for someone so they would understand, and all i could say was that it felt like i had fallen down and every time i tried to get back up i would slip and fall again, hurting myself even more. and i would try and  try to get up, but it just wouldn't work, and finally all i could do was lay there and cry and wait.

the waiting killed me.

the only thing i had was some music with me. simon and garfunkel was on a lot.

'kathy i'm lost,' i said, though i knew she was sleeping. 'i'm empty and aching and i don't know why.'

it stuck out to me. it's still in my head. i still feel that way.

i don't think it went away. i don't think i worked through it. i think right now it's a little less intense. i'm glad to be home. i missed my friends, and my family. i suppose maybe it's good that i'm getting this out of my system now, before i leave for basic (four months minus one day now).

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i had a dream while i was in london. my brother died (was killed) and no one would listen to me. they kept telling me to get over it, to not overreact. and i was crying and i was trying to make them understand that someone had done this to my brother and they needed to be punished. all they did was send me to a shrink. and i remember as they were taking me there i was crying and i said 'i don't want to have to go to a shrink for the rest of my life in order to be ok. i just want to be fixed.'

i woke up crying. i don't remember the last time i cried in my sleep. and i remember thinking that exact thing when i woke up.

i just want to be fixed.