The Ashland Parade is usually pretty lame (see also: really lame), but we always go, since my parents have been doing it for 25+ years. Tradition. Anyway, this year, with Tallon (T-BAG) Jackson by my side, it was a bit more interesting.
I'm going to go ahead and blow my load up front this time. There are normally a huge amount of religious entries in the parade. This year, there weren't so many, but there was a new, sparkling white face -- the Mormons. They looked spectacular. They totted signs that read "Thank You Ashland." They were clean shaven, looked to be polite and whore shirts so white that Moroni was almost certainly smiling.
Despite having been booed by Tallon (which was in bad taste, even by my fucked standards), they were nice enough to pose for a picture. I enjoy the guy on the left flashing a nondescript gang sign. Garments, y'all.
There was also a Delorian present. The picture doesn't quite capture it, but there is a skateboarder on the back. Props. Everyone was going nuts. In all actuality, it was pretty lame, but the nostalgia and sheer pointlessness garnered some points. Mad props.
Now, let's take a closer look. I'd like to extend a most cordial 'fuck off' to the six people who weren't cheering. Yes, I was watching you. Most of all, fuck Mr. McBlueshirt. I'm on to you, sucker.
There was a cop on a Segway. I don't even need a joke for this one. Zac posted up hard for this picture, but you have to wonder what sort of conversation is going on between the five-oh and Mr. McCargoshorts Jr...
Speaking of Segways, there was a whole crew of about 20 people riding their Segways. Some of them had offroad tires installed. 50% of the riders were old men, 40% chubby nerd-types 10% miscellany. As time progressed, it became apparent that the parade committee sure as shit didn't have very high standards.
But let's take a closer look. Look at this little bastard. First of all, he's wearing a helmet. Second of all, he's talking on a cell phone. Finally, he's got a 'for sale' sign taped to his chest with a $3999 price tag on it.
" ... oh hey, what's up dude? What are you up to? Oh, cool! Me? I'm just hanging out, riding my $3999 toy in a parade."
What a douchebag. Serisouly.
This year had girls in bikinis. I am a huge proponent of the 'more bikinis, less Segways' movement.
Fuck you, Mr. McBlueshirt! You don't pay attention to the goddamn Delorian but you can't seem to take your eyes off the mildly attractive girl covered in fake tattoos. I see you sick little grin and your feeble attempt to hide your halfie. You sicken me.
While standing in the plaza after the parade, this guy walked by with his miniature pony. At the same time, from the other direction, a gaggle of partyhos approached. Tallon, being quick on his feet, asked the guy if they could ride the pony. He agreed, as did one of the girls. Our own spontaneous pony show. Wonderful. Let's take a closer look.
Yeah dawwwwwwg, you know what I'm talking about.
The rest of the day was spent drinking, eating and playing with fireworks. Totally worth 8 hours of PTO.
I love you all.
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